I Have Now Found a Photographer AND a Wife

 

"Long-time readers"  know that I posted back in July about my search for a wedding photographer. Those who know me well, including my thankfully-non-judgmental fiance, also know that at the time I had an Excel spreadsheet of over 40 photographers I was researching. I always struggle with making decisions, but this went above and beyond my usual ambivalence. Finding a balance between cost and talent was proving to be nearly impossible, and the search was made more complicated by my insistence on only hiring vendors who support marriage equality. (Yes, five photographers out of the 15 I actually contacted never even responded to my inquiry, which included a short paragraph about our gayness and desire to hire people who support marriage equality. Yes, I emailed them all a second time to make sure the email wasn't lost.)

Enter Ms. Heather Jowett. She's a UM alum. She takes stunning photos. She facilitated IGR dialogues, for crying out loud. In short, she is the perfect choice.

I knew she was the right choice for us after reading this in her initial response:

"I'll address the issue of same-sex marriage first.  I am definitely a supporter of marriage equality and when I first got into this business, I vowed not to turn someone away because of who they were marrying, even though I recognize that it could create a backlash for my business.  To be honest, I don't want the sort of people who would hold my decision to shoot a same sex wedding against me as clients.  I am a self proclaimed bleeding heart liberal and have friends of all attractionalities and gender identities, so I would definitely be comfortable shooting your wedding, and pleased as punch to do so.  If you facebook stalked my profile, you would find plenty of evidence to back that claim up."

In case you didn't catch that, she used the phrase "attractionalities and gender identities" in her first email to us. SOLD. Of course, the photos are gorgeous too--I picked out some of my favorites from her blog and have included them here (clearly I have a thing for black and white photos).

And so, hooray! Photographer has been booked. Check out her website (she just posted a lovely mission statement!) and stay tuned for our engagement photos in December :)

Finding a Photographer is Harder Than Finding a Wife

Linds and I have about 14 months until the wedding. Tons of time, yes. But we are quickly learning that in the crazy wedding world, things book 18 months in advance. So now that we have a venue and a caterer, the next big hire to tackle is the photographer.

This sounds like it should be simple, right? Wrong. Apparently I am the worst combination of picky and budget-conscious, because all of the photographers I like are crazy expensive.

Here's what we're looking for in a photographer, in order of importance:

1) Supportive of marriage equality. Verbally and emotionally.
2) A photojournalistic, candid-focused style
3) Reliable and accountable (with references)
4) Nice!
5) Experience with same-sex weddings

Unfortunately, every photographer I've encountered who hits all of these points is charging upwards up $2,500 for their services (as they should! they're super talented). And we may end up having to just bite the bullet and pay that much. But I'm still hoping to find a gem who is all of these things for less money.

And so I throw it out to you, social network. Any ideas?

Visibility and The Dress

When Linds and I started to talk about getting married, I had a really hard time visualizing myself in a white dress. In fact, by the time we got engaged, I was adamantly opposed to wearing one. I never wear white. I've never been particularly comfortable in white. I'm most definitely not a "virgin" (maybe someday I'll write a post about my disdain for that word), and I am very turned off by the historical context of the White Wedding Dress. Furthermore, I effing love purple and wear it most days. Eggplant, my favorite shade of purple, would also look amazing against our fall theme with lots of orange and yellow accents. I haven't really started dress shopping yet, but whenever someone asks "What are you going to wear?", I've been answering "PURPLE! No wedding dress for me. Gross."

Well. Something very surprising happened last night while Linds and I were at a U of M School of Social Work reunion. The party had moved to Babs, a swanky (relatively speaking) bar downtown. We were sitting right next to the entrance, which is down a long flight of stairs from the street. Around midnight (I know, I was out until midnight. Crazy.), a woman in our group announced that some people who were trying to join us were stuck outside and had been told that no one else would be admitted until a bridal party with a reservation arrived. This definitely piqued my interest, and I spent the next ten minutes glancing at the door every few seconds in anticipation of seeing the group and what they were wearing.  They finally began streaming in and I saw that the bridesmaids were dressed in EGGPLANT. I was thrilled, and unabashedly stared them down in an attempt to make out the details. After a two minute lull in the procession, a fellow bar patron opened the door to leave for the night and shrieked "Ohmygod, THERE'S A BRIDE!!!!". Everyone in our section of the bar turned to look, and when the bride walked through the doors (looking quite uncomfortable, I might add) the entire bar started clapping and cheering for her. I watched her move through the room as women (yes, 100% true in this case) at table after table turned to see her and pointed her out to their friends. And then I was tearing up. And frantically trying to stop. "Am I drunk? What the hell is going on?". I began to social work myself (clinical training = blessing and curse). "Diana, what feeling words are associated with your tears? Where are you feeling the sadness in your body? Can you pull out a cognition for me?" And eventually, there it was: "I want that too."

Then, panic. "Holy shit, Diana. You are a disgrace to all gay women and all liberals and all feminists. How could you want to wear a white dress? How could you be so shallow? You need to be ON. You need to send a MESSAGE...with EGGPLANT." You need, you should, you need. Etc, etc, etc.

Then I looked up and saw Linds, and I landed back in reality. I forgave myself, and smiled, and texted Laura: "I just had a breakthrough at Babs...I want to wear white."

Now let's be clear, before I go any further. Do I want an entire bar of strangers cheering for me? Absolutely not. But do I want people to look at me and know I'm a bride? Yes. Yes I do.

As a gay woman on the femme side of the spectrum, I struggle constantly with visibility. It really bothers me that people assume that I'm straight when they look at me. That may be difficult to understand, but it's difficult to explain--particularly in a blog post. Visibility is important to me, and I realized last night that our wedding will be no exception. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I do want to be recognized as a bride.  I'm not even sure why, other than the obvious and shallow. But what I am trying to repeat to myself is that I deserve whatever experience I want on that day. I don't need to saddle myself with the pressure of The Big Gay Counterculture Non-White Wedding (and by the way, I've seen pictures of close to a hundred gay lady weddings--and the vast majority involve a white dress).

So. I'll be wearing a white dress, with lots of eggplant accessories. Please don't judge me.

At a (Potential) Vendor Meeting

Vendor: So what's your fiancee's name?
Diana: Lindsey.
Vendor: What's his last name?
Diana: Her last name is _______.
Vendor: Oh! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed.


YES. That is exactly it.

Not "Oh...." (awkward silence while she stares at the form trying to figure out what to do)

Not "Oh! OMG that's so awesome!!! I have a gay cousin. I bet you know him."

Just a simple apology, and then we moved on. THANK YOU Katherine's Catering.

A farm wedding! Who knew?

As many of you already know, Linds and I have chosen a venue and signed the contract in blood (and by blood, I mean we used a pen and then handed over an obscene amount of money). And the venue is beautiful beautiful beautiful, and perfect for the pretty-and-creative-but-not-pompous-or-intimidating-FALL-themed celebration we have in mind.

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THIS BAD BOY.

Linds and I went to tour the grounds two weeks ago and were instantly sold. There was a touch-and-go moment when we were told that hard liquor is not allowed, but we recovered. They passed the bride-and-bride test (by which I mean they didn't bat an eye at the idea of a big gay lovefest), we passed the Laura test (by which I mean I frantically called her to ask if it was crazy to book the first venue we looked at), and then poof--we had a venue. And a few days later, we had a date (more on that later). And a lot less room on my credit card. But that's neither here nor there.

I love that this big decision is made. I love that the space reflects us as people, and is completely in line with the feeling we want for that day. And I LOVE that the venue is run by Ann Arbor Parks and Rec, and that I'll spend the next 16.5 months pretending the women who work there are Leslie Nope. They are welcome.